dreaming to dream of you

The question that has burned on the longest- the question that still smolders today is,

-'do you remember when we fell in love?'-

-Does its touch linger still?-

-Do dreams still wake you full of memories that haunt you for the rest of the day?-

Because, truth be told, I dream of you - though my eyes haven't seen a trace of you in years. In dreams, you are still who you were - but older too. When I awaken,it is almost always in shock. "Wait! Was that him? Maybe if I sleep...No, surely it is fantasy to hope to reclaim the fleeting dream." Instead, I'll get up and go about my life. Be today loathsome or inspiring, I already know one thing - it will be haunted by the specter of you and of all lost potential, of all lost realities, of what world could have possibly worked for you and me.

god help me let go

So i just watched Nights in Rodanthe and it really made me reflect on my life. I have loved the greatest love of all. I believe that i have felt true love but i had to let it go. It was young in life, that is very true, however it was very real and i can still feel the passion in my heart. Someday's are harder than others but i'm getting by slowly every second. I guess you can say it's a slow process healing a broken heart but it does heal with time. You cant ever completely heal a deep wound, there will always be a scar but that scar can be covered up and hopefully with time forgotten. Yes it's true i will always love you, Ed, however i have to move on and try to love again. Zach is a good man, honest and very open with his feelings. Plus i do know that he will never hurt me the way you hurt me in September of 2008. I've held on to the hope that i would be with you again for far to long and i've got to learn to let go of you and that hope. Sometimes i have to wonder why you let me go but we've gone over that time and time again. I don't believe i'll ever completely know why i lost you but i know a little bit that it was both of us who let our love slip away. i was immature, selfish and didn't appreciate who i had in my grasp at the time. I still wish that i could go back in time and fix what i know cant be mended. You were lost in your world of drugs and confusion. I was still in high school while you were in college and i admit it was hard. allot harder than we ever planned it to be but that summer we spent together was priceless. my world revolved around you for those few short months in the hot summer heat. I ate, slept and breathed you. I had the grand plan that i would marry you someday but i was sorely mistaken. I almost thank Katie for bringing me back to reality when you had been in that reality for a while before that. I actually take that back. I don't thank katie but i do appreciate what she did, not how she did it. I will never, however, wish any bad fortune upon her. I don't believe she knew what she was doing at the time. I know you knew, ed, i know full well that you knew what you were doing but i think you were trying to fill that gap that i was unable to fill. Maybe now you have realized that i could've filled that gap with everything you've gone through but we'll never completely know. I know we can be friends. The hurt subsides with time and with each time i talk to you, i become more comfortable with the fact that i will never be able to look you in the eye and tell you i love you. I will never be held in your wonderful arms and i will never kiss those lips i thought would never kiss anyone else's but mine.

Time does heal all wounds and yes it leaves a tiny scar. But i look at that scar and i'm reminded of all the wonderful day's we shared together. I will never be sorry for everything we did together and i'll never forget the way i felt when i saw you drive up (or heard you drive up :]) You were my everything and a part of my heart will always belong to you.

I love you, Edward Oliver Zufall III, always have and always will. I hope that someday you will find peace and happiness because i have hope that i will. I'll forever just be a phone call away for you to talk or even turn too.

with all my love and devotion,

Tabatha Gaskill

Break Me Down

How in the hell am I supposed to live without you. I just cant do it anymore. You know you left me, you broke my heart, you did all this shit to me and i just cant let you go. Talking on the phone with you tonight just justified everything that i've thought these past couple of weeks. You're not over me and you never will be. I knwo you still love me but thats just something that you'll never tell me. i mean why else could you never give up taht stupid patch i bought you. Why is it that you have you in that hat as your profile pic and its not you and kaila anymore? What is that stupid secret that you cant tell me? i'll tell you mine.

I never stopped loving you and i never will. Even when i get married i'll still wish it was you.

I wish there was a way i could build up the courage to actually tell you this. if i ever find that courage i guess you'll know but till then i guess i have this blog that i know you'll never read.

Edward Oliver Zufall III

<3

Weight loss adventures.

Date::11/16/09

Weight::252

Honestly, I grotesque myself. It's time for a change. This is the highest i've weighed in my life and i'm not proud of it at all. They say the freshman 15 bite you in the ass. Well i believe it injected my ass with cellulite. I really need to be healthier. I want a man in my life and what man wants a 252 lbs. 5'4 fat ass as his woman. I certainly wouldn't be proud to have myself on my arm. So heres to a new life and hopefully new love.

wish me luck
<3Tabatha

City and Colour

It's hard to adapt to college life and working at a well respected company. Don't get me wrong i love my job and i'm proud to be going to school to be a nurse but damn. I really have no time for anything anymore. I'm making all this money but i cant use it on anything cause my job prevents me from having a life. I am buying a new phone here in about a week or so :] i can finally get rid of that piece of shit i'm forced to call a cell phone. It'll be nice to have a nice phone. I think i might have gone over my texting limit this month by like 113 messages. shit. but it's okay. i have a job so i can pay it off. i feel pretty secure in that whole deal. Ugh tomorrow's gonna be a long day but atleast its FALL :] i love how the leaves turn into beautiful colors and the temperature is tolerable and feels nice to just wear a sweatshirt. This is really my favorite time of year.

O geez

so its been a long time and im happy to say im falling all over again :D

Its a funny feeling.

but anyway. I found this old friend again and he's hilarious. I swear we are twins. He lives in Alabama though so its kinda hard to hold a relationship but we're managing. <3

I cant help but love him. haha he's turning into my best friend. I should be going down there for Spring Break and i plan on spending most of that time with him. I wish there could be a relationship between us that is more than just a friendship but we have decided on staying close friends for now. We both just got out of serious relationships so its good that we're not rushing things. He's making me run my texting bill up sky high though haha.

I need to upload some stuff to my ipod but im being lazy and i dont want too. GAH new phone is coming here soon <3>

I need to go cook dinner but im still being lazy :D and its like 8:00 pm o geez. All dietitions hate me right now <3

You're Gonna Miss This

I miss her.

I miss him.

I miss this.

I forget as time goes on how much my life has changes.

The girl in the top picture is Krystal. She was my best friend from first to fourth grade. We were inseperable until i moved to Indiana from Alabama. Then we lost touch and i have no idea where she is anymore. It sucks.

The guy in the second picture is Derek. I fell head over heels for him and there is a long story behind our love. We broke up officially and i miss him terribly.

Then you go to the third picture and those were my best friends for a long time. From left to right they are Diane, Baby MoMo, Katie, Sammy, Me and Kayla in the front. WE all split up when we reached our senior year. Now its just Katie, Sammy and Me.

Damn how things change.